Good News is Always Welcome

Well, guys, I’ve managed to change my major as I was hopeful to do. Though my depression has still being kicking my ass, repeatedly I might add, this bit of good news put a smile on my face. It was much easier than I’d initially thought, and there will be no changes to my student loan status(thankfully, because it’s already through the roof on costs). All of the technology classes I’ve taken are going to be counted as electives, as well as the current statistics class I am in. I suppose that should make feel better, considering despite my efforts I’m doing terribly in it.

You all know I normally keep faith and religion out of my posts, as I am a firm believer in the fact that one must always respect another’s way of thinking. However, I must say that my faith is what has kept me going these last few months, more so in the last few weeks. No matter what you personally believe, I hope you all have something to cling to in trying times, and that despite differences you all help others when you can. My husband does not believe as I do, in fact he’s what you might call agnostic. You know, believes there’s “something” but not sure what it is…you’d think our household was chaotic, and filled with arguments. To a point it is, no one is perfect, we often disagree on many things, namely the fact that my daughter starts school next year. I’ve decided to give her a christian-based home/online school curriculum, as she does have a few learning disabilities and often “shuts down” when overwhelmed. To us, it is easier to do this, and by choosing the curriculum I have, I ensure she gets a good education(probably better than in a public school system). Her father and I agree with it equally, however my husband(her step-father) is having some doubts. I’ve assured him religious studies will be minimal and he’s accepted that. I suppose it will all work out, though.

I’ve also gotten about $600 in savings finally! That’s something I am extremely proud of myself for this, as I’ve never been able to do this before. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but to me I feel very accomplished. I’ve been writing my book, studying, and also trying to be a much better parent to my daughter, as I’ve not been spending as much time with her as I’d like to. She is growing up before my eyes, and I’d like to say I’ve been there as much as possible for her. As a parent, we all have fears and concerns, like we aren’t as good as we’d like to be. However, we are. We are good enough. As long as we love, and teach, and care for our children we are good enough!

Not only have I been doing things I never thought possible, and trying to ignore those pesky pessimistic feelings, I’ve also been learning more french in hopes that by this time next year I’ll be fluent enough to feel comfortable reading some novels in another language. If I have learned one thing through this annoying and pathetic little “quarter life crisis” of mine, it is this: We are in charge of our own happiness. As quoted by the great Lady Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one may make you feel inferior without your consent”

Changing Majors, Changing Myself

As I work on this blog, and the pages for it, I’ve had some time to reflect upon myself. It’s been a long-standing feeling that I am unhappy with my life, and how it currently is. I’m in the wrong study field, and I’ve known that for a while. I chose IT as it was a backup plan, and the fact that generally, IT employees get paid well. That being said, those are really starting to seem like terrible reasons to choose a profession, and my husband brought up a good point that no matter how much something is paying me if I am miserable. Through all of out marital problems lately, he is still one to give me a pep talk and try to make me think better of myself.
I realized that the only person who can make me happy is myself. Therefore, I’ve requested a program transfer in hopes it will be approved, and if so, you guys will be looking at a history major soon. I already know it’s pretty much a useless degree in our current society, as I have no ambition to be a teacher, but it IS a passion of mine. While I still plan on getting a nursing degree(AS) eventually, this is a stepping stone for me to happiness with myself.
I also have been doing well on my diet, and physically I can see small results for the short time I’ve been at it, so I DO have something to be looking forward too. I’ve also put $120 in savings, and while that may not seem like a lot, for someone who has spent 8 years living paycheck to paycheck, that’s a fantastic step in the right direction. I really am trying to work with myself on this whole “optimism” thing, and create a happy, calm life for myself and my family. That has to start with me. I can’t be the person I need to be for others if I can’t pull myself out of this intense depression, and every little step counts.

Just to help myself think, I’ve begun working on a novella, or at the very least a very short story. Maybe, just maybe, this time I will go through with it instead of scrapping my works a few chapters in. It’s often said that we are our worst critics, and this is especially true for those of us who struggle with depression, anxiety, or other mental disorders. We are often discouraged by every day life, the news, tragic events, and the like. It’s easy, with all we are privy to, to see the worst in everything, but there is still hope for our future, and that has to start with those of us between the ages of 17-40(ish) as we are the ones who have the power to make this crazy world a more beautiful, kind place.
We all have a duty to ourselves to ensure we are kindhearted people who aren’t blinded by what the media portray as humanity, but to be the people we know we can be. The kind that help fellow men and women, even if it is just a kind smile or wave to a stranger. We cannot be consumed by our petty differences any longer. We are the change the world needs.

I know I got a little off track there, but as I said, my mind has been racing this week. So many thoughts are going through my mind, on various topics, and though I like to share with you all I’d rather not bore you with a humanity spiel :’)
I’ve got a few new pages coming up on the blog within the next few days, so you all stay tuned!

XOXO, Shanae